I recently read through Aaron's old blog, and it made me realize how important it is to keep up with blogging. His made me laugh so much and reminded me of happenings that I'd totally forgotten...which adds to my recent fear that I'm forgetting a lot more things than usual. Maybe it's stress, maybe it's age (after all, I did find six short white hairs the night before my 28th birthday), maybe it'll all come back to me (I hope), but for right now, when I try to remember certain things, it feels like reaching into the dark and touching nothing but mist and fuzziness. Which is very disturbing because my memory has always been one of the things I felt I could depend on.

There are a couple of things I should get down on virtual paper before I forget (the creepshow lady we saw at Mockingbird Station who gave both Aaron and I the Fear, for one), but somehow, I'm just not in the right mood for now.

So I'll leave you with the thought that Dwight loves the sun. Whenever it's sunny outside, he begs to go lay out in the sun like some daisy-duke wearing teenage girl. And then he lays on the ground with his eyes mostly closed, in bliss.

I wish there was a pill I could take to make me feel better about being at work right now. I don't think I've really understood people who take antidepressants until now. I usually don't really like taking pills, not even over the counter stuff like Tylenol, but if it could make me feel better at this point, I would take it in a second.

The problem is homesickness--it's a thousand times easier to go to work or school when your homelife sucks. Work or school becomes a way to get out of your bad situation, and enjoy a few hours of peace and dependability. But I have a warm sleepy dog, a warm sleepy cat, and a comfy bed at home waiting for me right now, and even though you may think this is a minor complaint due to laziness, I am so sick about being at work right now, I feel nauseous.

The problem is the atmosphere here sucks. It's humid in my room, and there's roaches that like to pop up in random places. There's also a huge industrial air conditioning unit that makes a constant loud background hum that I can't think over. And the building is so old and industrial looking, I feel like I am in jail.

Thinking about this school feels like pinpricks in my brain.

When oh when will my three day weekend come? Technically it's in 3 days but it feels like an eternity. This must be what hell is like--the promise of relief that never comes.

I am feeling strangely elated today. I don't quite trust it because nothing is really new today, so it must be hormonal or something. I don't trust happiness I can't control...but I do appreciate it. (Thank you, body, for making me hormonally happy today instead of hormonally depressed!)

Well maybe I am happy because I am wearing french braid pigtails today, and it is fun! And because last night, Aaron asked me if I wanted to keep my fortune cookie fortune that somehow ended up in his wallet, and I said no. But today, I found it slipped into the zipper pouch on my keys, and it felt like such a hopeful message:
"There is nothing lost or wasted in this life."

My to-do list is ridiculous today: schedule a dr's appt so I can keep getting my bc supply, call my alt cert program to see if they count for the lifetime learning tax credit (yes, I do things at the last minute), write out lesson plans for this week to turn into admin, that I will barely follow (because things change everyday! How am I supposed to plan for the whole week?!), and plan a TAKS review to do on Wednesday for the 9-11 graders.

Even that list can't bring me down today though, because hormones are invincible. They'll go away when they feel like going away, and they do not feel like going away right now. I know, because I am so wired right now.

On a different note, I have been coveting this past week.
("How do we covet, Clarice? Do we seek out things to covet? No! We covet what we see every day." -Hannibal Lecter)
And I surf purse forum everyday, and thus I covet. Many, many things. Which is dangerous, because if you give a lunatic a salary, there is no end to the damage they can do. HAHAHAHahahahaha

I spent 2 hours last night (pretty much all my free time) painting my nails mint green. It looks...interesting with my brown skin, but what's bothering me most is the fact that they just don't look professional! Why!!! Stupid nail polish on stupid cuticles.

I'm going to take it all off and do it again tonight. Oh, and next time I'm going to try leopard print nails. I wish I could dye Aaron's hair leopard print (with celery stix and hair dye) but unfortunately, it would not be work appropriate.
I actually don't even like animal print mostly but leopard print hair/nails just seems so interesting.

I wonder what it's like not to be a perfectionist. Actually I am far from a perfectionist about most things, but I definitely am about my nails. I spoiled myself going to get a manicure w/ my sister over spring break and now I want my nails perfect all the time. Too bad, cause I am totally unwilling to pay that much again for a temporary procedure. So I have been collecting tools to be able to do my nails at home.

This post is so inane...3 paragraphs about nail polish.

So exhausted.

On one hand, it's the last 2 months of school, and only one real month, because AP tests are in early May, and after that, there isn't much to do in 2 of my 3 classes. There'll only be Pre-AP classes to prepare for after that. Which is going to be awesome.
On the other hand, I'm on a tight schedule for AP Biology, and we're currently on Plants, which I know absolutely nothing about, so it takes me about 2 hours to prepare for each 25 minute lecture. Totally lame. I get home from work, have dinner, slack off while dreading the work I need to do, eventually go over as much as I can, go to sleep, and then get up and get to work at 7 am, just to do it all over again. I hate it when work overcomes my life! I absolutely hate and resent it, and I get really angry. I have no sense of ambition or desire for a career at all. Unfortunately I also have no desire to be a stay at home mom, so that route is closed to me too. But whatever, we're done with plants on Thursday, and I'm taking Monday off because AP and Pre-AP Bio will both be testing. So, the torture will be over fairly soon.
The other thing is, I have training two days this week till 7 pm, and two days next week. If you didn't know, teacher training is super boring and useless, so basically, I will be there in body but not in mind.

It's weeks like this that make me want to get a tattoo, buy a new Louis, and move to Mexico. I don't know why society has locked us into this lifestyle. We were not meant to live this way! Why should we have kids, just to send them into slavery? And yes, it is slavery, because money is just money, and it doesn't really do anything except imprison most people more firmly in society's convoluted net.

Think about it--we go to school for 13+ years, worrying the whole time about the "permanent record," which no one even cares to look at once you're out of school. After school, the only thing left to do according to society is:
1. Get a job, preferably a Career.
2. Buy a house and car
3. Get married.
4. Have kids.
5. Die
Every single one of these things traps us more and more in the net of society. How? Let me show you.

Job > Desire to succeed and be promoted > Job stress > Impulse purchasing and Overeating to combat stress (or alcoholism, infidelity with coworkers, anger management issues) > Money spent on diets, gyms, and previously mentioned impulse purchasing (or rehab, divorce, anger management) > Eventual promotion and raise > More Job stress and responsibility > buy a house and car > now you're in debt > now you need another promotion and raise > more job stress > lather, rinse, repeat...

The higher up you get in your Career, the worse it is, and the more you are mired in society's diabolical little plan for you. If you're lucky, you retire and survive on Social Security. If you're not lucky, you die in debt and pass the debt onto your kids.

Getting married and having kids are just extra bonuses so you can feel even more stressed out because you have to work to keep your kids in American Eagle jeans, and to keep your spouse in their fancy car and house, while also feeling guilty about spending too much time at work, and not enough time at home with your family.

It's a conspiracy to keep us too busy worrying about inconsequential things like our Career (which obviously is not inconsequential thing to most individuals) to make trouble by coming up with novel ideas.

(I.E. teacher lay offs--that is all anyone at work can talk about these days...)

In order to avoid it, you have to 1. be willing to see your job as the inconsequential thing that it really is, and 2. be willing to lay aside material goods enough to save up money so that it helps you maintain freedom rather than trapping you. And if you have kids, that's most likely close to impossible.

I'm struggling at least one of these steps currently. I'll let you know if I succeed.

It's Monday, and Spring break is officially over...
Sadly, I didn't post anything about it beginning, but rest assured, that post would have been ecstatic.

The Sunday blues are always the worst after a longer than usual break, and yesterday was no different. But we tried our hardest to keep it at bay by going to Dinosaur Valley National Park to see the fossilized dinosaur tracks, which was really fun.
We took Dwight, and he was great! He acted like the quintessential perfect dog--scaled rocks and forded rivers like a true dog of the wild, while taking in stride golf carts (which usually freak him out), small children, and other dogs. I was so proud. His allergies are still acting up, but they seem to be getting a little better, because I think we finally have figured out how to avoid his food allergens at least.

I just can't wait to get home. Ever since med school, I dread everything, even if it's not very dreadworthy. Mondays aren't so bad, I like my job for the most part, but for some reason the dread on Sundays is just totally unavoidable. If there was a way to buy happiness and contentment, I would pay any amount. Even just to get my old self back. I used to feel ok about most things before med school.

It's now 70 degrees again in Dallas, and cold weather is nowhere to be seen in the forecast! Good, cause if it ain't bringing a snow day, I have no need for the cold weather. I've been wondering lately if I have seasonal affective disorder (SAD) lately, because I am so much happier now that the weather is warmer! (I don't really think I have seasonal affective disorder, because I think it's a crock, and it's even more hilarious that it's abbreviation is SAD. Actually, I think it's a normal human reaction to be affected by the weather. Only humans, who have separated themselves from nature to such an extent, would call being affected by the weather a disorder.)

But in any case, I am way happier in the warmer weather, and all I want to do is lay in my backyard on the hammock all day, and read. Preferably with my dog! Oh, I just can't wait till Spring Break and Summer, when I can live in shorts, flipflops and tshirts.

Somehow, despite knowing all along that I would have to return to work at some point, I am boondoggled to be back. My brain is in shock and can barely function under the strain of talking to people other than Aaron, Dwight, and BP. Yes, the latter two do count as people! Only in the good ways, not in the bad ways.

On one hand, I should be quite envious of people who seem so happy to be back and see all their work friends again, but on the other hand, I can't seem to get the energy up to do so. All I feel is an overwhelming sense of bewilderment--how can talking to some people ever compare to laying comfortably in bed, under thick, warm comforters, with a creature on each side of me keeping me warm as I read a badly written gothic novel and watch movies like The Town and Dinner for Schmucks? Yes, everything I did during my 4 day long break was encompassed in the previous run-on sentence.

I also decided (or rather, reaffirmed) the fact that in an alternate universe, in which I don't overthink every little thing, I would have a half sleeve tattoo and smoke American Spirits. I have an amazing idea for a half sleeve that I just can't stop thinking about. Unfortunatly, I also can't stop thinking about Hepatitis C and metal-based ink collecting in my lymph nodes...and my mom crying herself to sleep because of her hoodlum child. But in any case, my idea is--a depiction of the scene in Jane Eyre right before Jane and Mr. Rochester meet. Thornfield Hall looms in the distance, and Jane sits on a bench at the side of the road. Mr. Rochester, on horseback, and his dog (like a mythical Gytrash) running ahead, toward Jane. I even know exactly who I would want to do it.
So the dilemna is, if a half sleeve would increase my quality of life, should I mind that it may or may not decrease my quantity?

Today's topic will be: What gets you through your day at work?

I once read a very old book about dog training that said, when you see a dog standing on a sidewalk seemingly guarding his owner's briefcase, it's actually that the owner left the briefcase to guard the dog. Because a dog is more likely to stay where you told him/her to if you leave something that is yours to anchor the dog there. Of course, nowadays, no one leaves their dog somewhere without a leash, so it's a dated reference. But my circuitous point is that I have certain things that I use to anchor myself at work until I can go home.

One of these things is my bright orange water bottle. The color cheers me up, and it ensures that I will not feel crappy and dehydrated from talking all day. Another is my engagement/wedding rings, because sparkly things cheer me up, esp. when they remind me of Aaron. And also my ipod, with which I can sneak-read harry potter all day.

I don't remember dreading each day this much when I was working at Harcourt. But then again, there I had no job stress. Oh, to go back to making copies all day.