"would your eyes like midnight fireflies
light up the trenches where my heart lies
until I can see again
to find my way back again
I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
no matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
even when i have to push just to see how far you'll go
you won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go"
--sarah mclachlan
(to aaron)
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Saturday, December 20, 2003
back in houston--drove back late monday. it was pretty in a painful way, with just shadows of trees at the sides of the road.
i can't wait to go back to austin. it's wierd, i feel like i am a better person there. maybe because i am free to be myself without having to justify the past, and all the ways and personality traits i have left behind. it just seems like people who know you well or think they do, who should know you well, will go on thinking of you and treating you the same way they always have, go on thinking you are just the same. and that stops you from getting anywhere. from growing...
i can't wait to go back to austin. it's wierd, i feel like i am a better person there. maybe because i am free to be myself without having to justify the past, and all the ways and personality traits i have left behind. it just seems like people who know you well or think they do, who should know you well, will go on thinking of you and treating you the same way they always have, go on thinking you are just the same. and that stops you from getting anywhere. from growing...
Friday, December 12, 2003
Just finished my organic final. One day, they will dissect my brain and find that it was never wired to understand organic, and then they will see a thin, crooked, makeshift wire, and they will be amazed that I was ever able to comprehend lewis dot structures, much less inductive effects and carbocation stability.
Anyways, done with finals--now i can shower, and eat. ugh forget it all this science has sucked all the creativity out of me.
Anyways, done with finals--now i can shower, and eat. ugh forget it all this science has sucked all the creativity out of me.
Monday, December 8, 2003
today i went to lunch with christina at the mall! she needed to buy a present, and i needed to exchange the lava lamp i got from elissa for my birthday.
on the way to her car, i was hit on by a homeless guy. "has anyone ever told you you're beautiful? this better not be the first time." Sadly, i am strangely flattered.
and then ten minutes later, some homeless guy offered to buy me and christina buicks if we were single. "hello ladies. are you single? i'll buy you a buick. i just want to know if you're single" (sidenote...why a buick? why not a mercedes, or even better, a soft top bronco? it's not going to happen either way, so why a buick? this is an example of a man who is so used to being down on his luck he only allows himself to hope for buicks in his dreams...)
anyways, so yeah those were the events of today.
this past weekend i saw last samurai!! which is one of the best movies i've seen this year. it was so awesome.
i also saw love actually which sorta paled in comparison. it was pretty good except it was sorta overly cheesy. however, hugh grant dancing and the little boy sam's romance were the high points. i probably said "oh he's so cute" 20 times during that movie in reference to the kid...
anyways, yeah i need to go study...wish me luck.
on the way to her car, i was hit on by a homeless guy. "has anyone ever told you you're beautiful? this better not be the first time." Sadly, i am strangely flattered.
and then ten minutes later, some homeless guy offered to buy me and christina buicks if we were single. "hello ladies. are you single? i'll buy you a buick. i just want to know if you're single" (sidenote...why a buick? why not a mercedes, or even better, a soft top bronco? it's not going to happen either way, so why a buick? this is an example of a man who is so used to being down on his luck he only allows himself to hope for buicks in his dreams...)
anyways, so yeah those were the events of today.
this past weekend i saw last samurai!! which is one of the best movies i've seen this year. it was so awesome.
i also saw love actually which sorta paled in comparison. it was pretty good except it was sorta overly cheesy. however, hugh grant dancing and the little boy sam's romance were the high points. i probably said "oh he's so cute" 20 times during that movie in reference to the kid...
anyways, yeah i need to go study...wish me luck.
there is a paradise that can be found
a better life to bring us round
and all we really need to do
is see the world like lovers do
i want to take it easy, take it slow
to catch a fire and let it go
i want to give myself to you
so we can live like lovers do
i need to feel
i need to feel that way
i can hear you thinking what i feel
i know that what we've got is real
and all we need to get us through
is just to live like lovers do
--heather nova
a better life to bring us round
and all we really need to do
is see the world like lovers do
i want to take it easy, take it slow
to catch a fire and let it go
i want to give myself to you
so we can live like lovers do
i need to feel
i need to feel that way
i can hear you thinking what i feel
i know that what we've got is real
and all we need to get us through
is just to live like lovers do
--heather nova
Wednesday, December 3, 2003
just had a conversation with my mom
i'm so sick of feeling guilty for being independent, and wanting independence and wanting to do things my way. and i don't mean doing things my way as bad things, i mean just decisions. and truly, i have given in about things way more than other kids would.
for example, all this premed stuff, i have always been against going to med school. i mean seriously aren't there enough asians getting forced into med school???
from the earliest i can remember, i was being told that i'm going to be a doctor. well just wait up--i mean don't you think that's a little young to be planning my entire life out for me? they had all their hopes set on it, and frankly i don't really respect their creativity. talk about being bound to societal parameters.
anyways, i don't know whether i was just born rebellious or what, but as i grew up i became bound and determined not to be a fucking doctor. maybe...probably, it was the fact that my parents were so adamant about it, but another part of it is that i don't really lean towards math/science (and i must cut in to say here, most asians are...) i don't want to make a big deal about this asian thing, but it's like my parents brought me up to be a typical asian kid:
future: doctor
gpa: 4.0
instrument: piano
mother's occupation: math teacher
father's occupation: scientist
i mean, how typical can you get??
and maybe i'm just good at assimilating or something, but i didn't turn out to be the typical asian kid. proof: i got a perfect score on the verbal part of the SAT, and a 670 on the math part. obviously i am good at english more than science and math, why can't they just deal with that?
and yes, typically english majors might have a harder time finding a job, but where did doing what you love go?
anyways, i grew up with these two insanely strong desires that were totally at odds with each other: to please my parents, and to live my life. and believe me, that first one is hard, and very nearly impossible. Even now as i do certain things, say certain things, even stand a certain way, i can hear one or both of their voices telling me why what i am doing is wrong. i mean, yeah, manners are good, but a lot of the time it is not that rigid. a lot of the time it depends where you are, who you are talking to, and i am always too fucking insecure to act on my instincts in situations, i have too many voices telling me what to do, and i am not equipped to follow all of them, so i end up just doing nothing. but that is another story of social ineptness...
people aren't built to have to please someone else with every minute of their lives. i understand not being selfish and making someone that is important to you happy, but i am not willing to base my whole life on that.
in writing this, i know that that is only normal. i am only doing what is normal, breaking away. but i am just so sick of feeling guilty for it. nothing i do is good enough for them unless they planned and orchestrated it.
anyways, conclusion: i am 20 years old. if i want to stay in austin for the summer, i can. and i will. and i will do whatever else i choose too, because it is my life, and it's about time i started to live it.
i'm so sick of feeling guilty for being independent, and wanting independence and wanting to do things my way. and i don't mean doing things my way as bad things, i mean just decisions. and truly, i have given in about things way more than other kids would.
for example, all this premed stuff, i have always been against going to med school. i mean seriously aren't there enough asians getting forced into med school???
from the earliest i can remember, i was being told that i'm going to be a doctor. well just wait up--i mean don't you think that's a little young to be planning my entire life out for me? they had all their hopes set on it, and frankly i don't really respect their creativity. talk about being bound to societal parameters.
anyways, i don't know whether i was just born rebellious or what, but as i grew up i became bound and determined not to be a fucking doctor. maybe...probably, it was the fact that my parents were so adamant about it, but another part of it is that i don't really lean towards math/science (and i must cut in to say here, most asians are...) i don't want to make a big deal about this asian thing, but it's like my parents brought me up to be a typical asian kid:
future: doctor
gpa: 4.0
instrument: piano
mother's occupation: math teacher
father's occupation: scientist
i mean, how typical can you get??
and maybe i'm just good at assimilating or something, but i didn't turn out to be the typical asian kid. proof: i got a perfect score on the verbal part of the SAT, and a 670 on the math part. obviously i am good at english more than science and math, why can't they just deal with that?
and yes, typically english majors might have a harder time finding a job, but where did doing what you love go?
anyways, i grew up with these two insanely strong desires that were totally at odds with each other: to please my parents, and to live my life. and believe me, that first one is hard, and very nearly impossible. Even now as i do certain things, say certain things, even stand a certain way, i can hear one or both of their voices telling me why what i am doing is wrong. i mean, yeah, manners are good, but a lot of the time it is not that rigid. a lot of the time it depends where you are, who you are talking to, and i am always too fucking insecure to act on my instincts in situations, i have too many voices telling me what to do, and i am not equipped to follow all of them, so i end up just doing nothing. but that is another story of social ineptness...
people aren't built to have to please someone else with every minute of their lives. i understand not being selfish and making someone that is important to you happy, but i am not willing to base my whole life on that.
in writing this, i know that that is only normal. i am only doing what is normal, breaking away. but i am just so sick of feeling guilty for it. nothing i do is good enough for them unless they planned and orchestrated it.
anyways, conclusion: i am 20 years old. if i want to stay in austin for the summer, i can. and i will. and i will do whatever else i choose too, because it is my life, and it's about time i started to live it.
Monday, December 1, 2003
it's been a crazy few days...
last night was the night shoot for the hex rally in that cheer up movie, so i was up all night sitting on the west mall holding a burnt orange candle and playing with lighters that we made insanely dangerous and blowtorch-like...and freezing.
don't think i coulda made it without the added body warmth from aaron.
but rachel was fine--15 minutes in, there was some random guy offering her his jacket which looked like it was made to keep an emaciated anorexic warm in the peaks of the himalayas. lol rachel is charismatic.
anyways, so today i am all wierded out, lack of sleep does that to me, and not just me, apparently as right now rachel's away message says
sleeping.....
Sometimes life seems very surreal.
yeah so today was spent...4am-8:20am asleep; 9-10 organic chem class; 10-2:40 asleep; then class, and now dinner (early)
last night was the night shoot for the hex rally in that cheer up movie, so i was up all night sitting on the west mall holding a burnt orange candle and playing with lighters that we made insanely dangerous and blowtorch-like...and freezing.
don't think i coulda made it without the added body warmth from aaron.
but rachel was fine--15 minutes in, there was some random guy offering her his jacket which looked like it was made to keep an emaciated anorexic warm in the peaks of the himalayas. lol rachel is charismatic.
anyways, so today i am all wierded out, lack of sleep does that to me, and not just me, apparently as right now rachel's away message says
sleeping.....
Sometimes life seems very surreal.
yeah so today was spent...4am-8:20am asleep; 9-10 organic chem class; 10-2:40 asleep; then class, and now dinner (early)
Monday, November 24, 2003
This weekend they are filming Cheer Up, a movie with Tommy Lee Jones in it here in Austin. Me and Rachel and Jennifer Perales were extras on the set (along with 3000 other people) and it was pretty cool. The best thing, though, is that because we went, now we can go next Sunday night from 4pm to 4am and be extras for a night shoot that pays $75. I think I will get a playstation2 with that money...or maybe save up for a 4 track recorder.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
it's a cold day in austin, and i am ready to go home. except i wish my home wasn't just 3 hours from here, i wish i lived in boston, or new york or some city like that where you could wander for hours and never feel like anyone knew who you were. in fact, i don't want to go home. i want to go to some unknown city, some unknown place where no one knows who i am and i can just become whatever atmosphere i want to become, wrap myself in someone else's comforting surface level life. frankly i am sick of this life that i have somehow grown or slipped into because it's not one that i would have picked for myself had i had full control of the world. choices that i have made have been affected by countless people, none of them are mine alone, and i am sick of that. i am sick of wanting to be so many people at the same time that i try too hard and am all of them at the same time, resulting in some amorphous mess that is special to no one and nothing.
this morning when i woke up i still smelled like smoke from the alkaline trio concert. in fact my shoes still smell like it. when i'm old and gray cigarette smoke will probably remind me of good times...
anyways, i slept through my swim lessons today, argh!!! then when i woke up i showered, and then went with aaron to watch amores perros at the PCL. it was fun, because we stopped at chipotle first and got burritos and i (stupid me) also got a drink, and so we had to sneak the drink in past the guard. thanks to aaron's cargo pockets, we did it, and felt really proud of ourselves until we saw a sign that said "food and drink ok, just throw it away"--damn our covert operations...lol it was all worth it though, watching a great movie while eating a warm burrito and drinking a sprite...earthly pleasures.
the movie was really good--which surprised me as elissa had told me she hated it because it was insanely violent, but i guess i am quite a bit more sadistic than elissa, so i liked it. it didn't hurt that one of the main guys, octavio, was awesome looking. but no, i'm not that shallow, the movie really did have legitimate benefits to it--the colors were really good; think i'm crazy if you like, but the colors of amores perros were great--gritty yet brilliant, and bright, it was like seeing reality in a romanticized state.
anyways after the movie and some hanging around, me and aaron went to the mall where we picked a really cute curious george stuffed animal that i saw and loved yesterday but was too cheap to buy at the time. but then i kept thinking about it and mentioning how cute it was, and i think aaron got a little tired of that...so he bought it for me to shut me up. lol no just kidding it was very nice : )
but the thing about it that is so cool is that it's wearing striped pajamas, and it looks so comfortable and ready for bed. no more insomnia for the jennifer.
ok well just one more thing about amores perros...wait two more things: 1. "puta madres" means motherfucker in spanish
and now, something more serious. have you ever seen something, or read about something, and just wanted to be in that atmosphere, that situation? and then when you do end up being in the situation you've dreamed about (or at least as close as you could ever get) it doesn't seem the same? well that's how it was in amores perros. no i would never want to raise fighting dogs, or be beat up in mexico, but i do want to be in the mexico portrayed in the movie. gritty, with all sorts of hidden alleyways and crevices full of sun and mystery. but if i ever do go there, i will probably still not be satisfied, because i wouldn't be living the life of any of those characters. it's funny, cause i know i wouldn't want to experience any of the things the characters did, yet, i envy their experience. i guess it's cause life is beautiful when you're on the outside looking in, but it hurts when you live it. anyways, i wonder if someone followed me around filming me on 35mm my entire life and then edited it all together, would that be a pretty movie?
over and out.
anyways, i slept through my swim lessons today, argh!!! then when i woke up i showered, and then went with aaron to watch amores perros at the PCL. it was fun, because we stopped at chipotle first and got burritos and i (stupid me) also got a drink, and so we had to sneak the drink in past the guard. thanks to aaron's cargo pockets, we did it, and felt really proud of ourselves until we saw a sign that said "food and drink ok, just throw it away"--damn our covert operations...lol it was all worth it though, watching a great movie while eating a warm burrito and drinking a sprite...earthly pleasures.
the movie was really good--which surprised me as elissa had told me she hated it because it was insanely violent, but i guess i am quite a bit more sadistic than elissa, so i liked it. it didn't hurt that one of the main guys, octavio, was awesome looking. but no, i'm not that shallow, the movie really did have legitimate benefits to it--the colors were really good; think i'm crazy if you like, but the colors of amores perros were great--gritty yet brilliant, and bright, it was like seeing reality in a romanticized state.
anyways after the movie and some hanging around, me and aaron went to the mall where we picked a really cute curious george stuffed animal that i saw and loved yesterday but was too cheap to buy at the time. but then i kept thinking about it and mentioning how cute it was, and i think aaron got a little tired of that...so he bought it for me to shut me up. lol no just kidding it was very nice : )
but the thing about it that is so cool is that it's wearing striped pajamas, and it looks so comfortable and ready for bed. no more insomnia for the jennifer.
ok well just one more thing about amores perros...wait two more things: 1. "puta madres" means motherfucker in spanish
and now, something more serious. have you ever seen something, or read about something, and just wanted to be in that atmosphere, that situation? and then when you do end up being in the situation you've dreamed about (or at least as close as you could ever get) it doesn't seem the same? well that's how it was in amores perros. no i would never want to raise fighting dogs, or be beat up in mexico, but i do want to be in the mexico portrayed in the movie. gritty, with all sorts of hidden alleyways and crevices full of sun and mystery. but if i ever do go there, i will probably still not be satisfied, because i wouldn't be living the life of any of those characters. it's funny, cause i know i wouldn't want to experience any of the things the characters did, yet, i envy their experience. i guess it's cause life is beautiful when you're on the outside looking in, but it hurts when you live it. anyways, i wonder if someone followed me around filming me on 35mm my entire life and then edited it all together, would that be a pretty movie?
over and out.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
argh!! i've had the worst day...B- on my english test when i needed an A, halloween pics not quite as stunning as i had imagined, and they just reminded me all over again that unphotogenocity exists...even if the word doesn't.
oh well, the alternate is too painful to think about...that that is what i really look like-oh my eyes...
anyways, i feel horrible...
go me.
oh well, the alternate is too painful to think about...that that is what i really look like-oh my eyes...
anyways, i feel horrible...
go me.
just got back from the catch-22 show at -the backroom-. it was great! a bunch of kids dancing around and sweating for the same purpose, love of the music, atmosphere, and fun.
yeah last year i had already promised myself that if catch-22 ever came to town we were going to make it to their show come rain or hellfire, which is probably what prevented us from being lazy and staying home instead tonight. cause seriously, it's monday night, and i should be studying for my organic chem. but anyways, i'm glad i went because it was one of the best shows i've been to and i would have regretted it if i had not gone.
yeah before the show there were so many things seeming to prevent us from going. aaron found out they were coming just yesterday, so we decided we would go. then, this morning i asked him if he would be going if it weren't for me wanting to go so badly, and he said he wasn't sure, so then the whole day i was thinking that i would be good and stay in to study instead...didn't help that this afternoon i was a slacker and spent two hours watching The Beach on the oxygen channel (no one liked that movie, but no one ever mentioned the amazing visuals in it of the island...) yeah so i was going to atone by skipping the concert.
and then at 4 aaron told me he had to go film anyways, so yeah i thought that was it for the concert.
everything didn't come together after i had already consoled myself with an alternate version of the evening: chipotle burrito bol, picking up pics at eckerds, and going to HEB (why do i love grocery shopping so?)
but instead we decided spur of the moment, at 8:00pm that we would drive over to Riverside and see how much tickets were, and of course, the rest is history.
i love how the guys in catch 22 are so unassuming and yet hilariously cute...i guess its my kind of band
DINOSAUR SOUNDS!!!
yeah last year i had already promised myself that if catch-22 ever came to town we were going to make it to their show come rain or hellfire, which is probably what prevented us from being lazy and staying home instead tonight. cause seriously, it's monday night, and i should be studying for my organic chem. but anyways, i'm glad i went because it was one of the best shows i've been to and i would have regretted it if i had not gone.
yeah before the show there were so many things seeming to prevent us from going. aaron found out they were coming just yesterday, so we decided we would go. then, this morning i asked him if he would be going if it weren't for me wanting to go so badly, and he said he wasn't sure, so then the whole day i was thinking that i would be good and stay in to study instead...didn't help that this afternoon i was a slacker and spent two hours watching The Beach on the oxygen channel (no one liked that movie, but no one ever mentioned the amazing visuals in it of the island...) yeah so i was going to atone by skipping the concert.
and then at 4 aaron told me he had to go film anyways, so yeah i thought that was it for the concert.
everything didn't come together after i had already consoled myself with an alternate version of the evening: chipotle burrito bol, picking up pics at eckerds, and going to HEB (why do i love grocery shopping so?)
but instead we decided spur of the moment, at 8:00pm that we would drive over to Riverside and see how much tickets were, and of course, the rest is history.
i love how the guys in catch 22 are so unassuming and yet hilariously cute...i guess its my kind of band
DINOSAUR SOUNDS!!!
Monday, November 3, 2003
Halloween was great--6th street to join all the crazy happenings, with a dominatrix and her slave, Donnie Darko...and a bunch of un-costumed people. I was a schoolgirl, red ribbons for my pigtails, knee high socks, the whole thing. The best compliment (probably cause it was said without perverted undertones) was "Makes me want to go back to school." It was so nice : )
Saturday, my parents and sister came up to surprise me--turns out aaron and rachel and my roommate christina all knew about this--and so my parents took elissa, aaron, and rachel and me and my sister all to play laser tag. it's funny how my 20th birthday party consisted of laser tag and pizza, and it was great! we played against a bunch of little kids, and had codenames and everything. maybe i should have stayed 7. so that was my first surprise birthday party ever.
life is fun...
Saturday, my parents and sister came up to surprise me--turns out aaron and rachel and my roommate christina all knew about this--and so my parents took elissa, aaron, and rachel and me and my sister all to play laser tag. it's funny how my 20th birthday party consisted of laser tag and pizza, and it was great! we played against a bunch of little kids, and had codenames and everything. maybe i should have stayed 7. so that was my first surprise birthday party ever.
life is fun...
Saturday, October 18, 2003
--Right now I am as happy as material goods and fun with friends can make me. last night we stayed up and talked until 4 in the morning, all of us in a tiny bottom bunk. and then today we went around to thrift shops and costume shops to look for costumes, but we didn't find much, until after we dropped off elissa, and me and rachel went shopping at...the MALL!!! yes, some people look down on the mall, that wonderful collection of all the capitalist teenybopper stores, but there is something to be said about its mood-lifting abilities.
me and rachel went crazy, on an underwear binge, etc. so we both ended up spending about $55 each on clothes. but I got my halloween outfit so I am happy--I am going to be a schoolgirl! fun fun fun
now i feel ready to tackle my organic chemistry.
and off i go.
me and rachel went crazy, on an underwear binge, etc. so we both ended up spending about $55 each on clothes. but I got my halloween outfit so I am happy--I am going to be a schoolgirl! fun fun fun
now i feel ready to tackle my organic chemistry.
and off i go.
I'm at St. Edward's right now, spending the night with Elissa and Rachel! no, there have not been any pillowfights in underwear...as of yet.
first we went to guero's to eat which closed at 11 and we got there at 11:10 but they let us in anyway, probably b/c of rachel's pigtails...sick guys have pigtails/little girl fantasies.
ha i'm just saying that cause i'm jealous. i feel so stupid in pigtails.
anyways yeah then i spent the rest of the night reading elissa's diary...
there's this passage where we were just graduating middle school and she is listening to Sublime's "Santeria" and being sad about leaving middle school and then it skips to ninth grade after Christmas break, and it's just one of the saddest transitions ever...
"Everything's coming to an end. How ironic, I'm listening to Santeria again. It fits again. 'The hand you hold is the hand that holds you down." But when you let go, there's an empty space...I have a scar on my left arm, bitten cuticles, and wear a star around my neck to remind me of who I am...This was supposed to be a happy journal entry. 'Let the dreamers dream and the poets write, but let me stay in the corner and cry.'"
All the bad experiences we had, all compacted in those first few months of high school screwed us up and made us think and talk like some depressing Alice Hoffman novel...
Yeah well that's how it is. Maybe I needed bad things like that to happen in order to get where I am now. but it's a high price to pay.
all I can do to keep myself from resigning to confusion and regret is to remind myself that the worst is past, and all they are is memories. its just sad to see how they affected us. it's like elissa, when she wrote in the journal in those last few days of middle school, everything was fine, but in that space of a few empty pages, skipped to mark the transition from middle school to high school, everything went wrong, at least temporarily.
oh well, be happy, life isn't always bad. sometimes you meet people like Aaron, who I love, and who loves me, and sometimes you have experiences like playing guitar with a bunch of strangers who become friends just on the basis of music.
first we went to guero's to eat which closed at 11 and we got there at 11:10 but they let us in anyway, probably b/c of rachel's pigtails...sick guys have pigtails/little girl fantasies.
ha i'm just saying that cause i'm jealous. i feel so stupid in pigtails.
anyways yeah then i spent the rest of the night reading elissa's diary...
there's this passage where we were just graduating middle school and she is listening to Sublime's "Santeria" and being sad about leaving middle school and then it skips to ninth grade after Christmas break, and it's just one of the saddest transitions ever...
"Everything's coming to an end. How ironic, I'm listening to Santeria again. It fits again. 'The hand you hold is the hand that holds you down." But when you let go, there's an empty space...I have a scar on my left arm, bitten cuticles, and wear a star around my neck to remind me of who I am...This was supposed to be a happy journal entry. 'Let the dreamers dream and the poets write, but let me stay in the corner and cry.'"
All the bad experiences we had, all compacted in those first few months of high school screwed us up and made us think and talk like some depressing Alice Hoffman novel...
Yeah well that's how it is. Maybe I needed bad things like that to happen in order to get where I am now. but it's a high price to pay.
all I can do to keep myself from resigning to confusion and regret is to remind myself that the worst is past, and all they are is memories. its just sad to see how they affected us. it's like elissa, when she wrote in the journal in those last few days of middle school, everything was fine, but in that space of a few empty pages, skipped to mark the transition from middle school to high school, everything went wrong, at least temporarily.
oh well, be happy, life isn't always bad. sometimes you meet people like Aaron, who I love, and who loves me, and sometimes you have experiences like playing guitar with a bunch of strangers who become friends just on the basis of music.
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
100 things about me
1. i love animals, esp. betta fish and cats
2. i love knowing facts about anything that no one else knows which is my only incentive for being pre-med
3. i have two alarm clocks, one digital and one silver old fashioned face clock and i must have both to wake up
4. i am obsessed with people and their comings and goings to the point of psychoticness
5. i am insanely moody
6. i drink sprite like water
7. i don't drink water
8. i have a fender american stratocaster in silver
9. i love fluffy pillows
10. i am traveling the thin line between happy and balanced and paranoid and psycho every day. last year i failed and this year i am succeeding
11. my birthday is on halloween
12. my favorite food is chipotle burritos
13. i get really attached to things that aren't humans
14. i get really attached to certain humans but i always need space
15. i hate being touched by most people
16. i get claustrophobic at strange reasons
17. i don't respect you if i don't think you are better than me at least in one area
18. i hate asian people who are from taiwan who say they consider themselves chinese
19. i hate the fact that asian people always hang out together
20. i hate the fact that i question whether i am a bad person for hating that fact
21. the only time i can't help smiling is when i am playing guitar in a band
22. i use powder clothes detergent
23. i like dark chocolate as opposed to milk chocolate
24. me and aaron's anniversary is on june 24
25. my body is a temple and my mind is a steel trap
26. i desperately want to start going to church in austin but my fleshly laziness is preventing me
27. i have an authentic waterproof military flashlight with filters and everything
28. i think scott speedman is insanely cute
29. i think elizabeth hurley is a shameless hussy
30. i think i have pretty feet
31. i still wear little girls underwear with designs on them
32. i have three pairs of converse allstars and one pair of converse skate shoes some doc martens and two pairs of flip flops
33. my room needs vacuuming desperately
34. i should be doing an english paper on wuthering heights right now
35. i have decided that analyzing my feelings just makes them worse therefore i have taken the method of humoring myself
36. i really want a tattoo
37. i hate regrets
38. i love the smell of cloves cigarettes
39. i miss the sarcastic cynical me that was at full power before freshman year
40. i sleep with a stuffed bear
41. i can be really ADD
42. i have people on my AIM buddy list that i have never talked to before in my life and do not know i exist
43. i truly think some of those people could be really great friends if i only knew them...scared yet? hahaha
44. i love the oc
45. i want to be a rock star
46. last night i tried to get aaron to hypnotize me into having larger breasts...vh1 documentary anyone?
47. dharma and greg is one of favorite shows
48. i think me and john mayer are soul mates
49. i am worried about losing my hair when i get old
50. i hate my arm hairs
51. the nails on the four fingers of my left hand are always cut short for guitar playing
52. i never wear mascara b/c i don't want to lose my eyelashes
53. i buy antibiotics for my fish
54. i come off as sullen when really my face just doesn't naturally smile
55. i feel masculine sometimes
56. i think i look better laid back than when i dress up
57. i think my sister is way prettier than me and sometimes i wish i was her
58. i am competitive about strange things
59. i love buying things like new deoderant, facewash, or shampoo
60. i love grocery shopping and doing laundry
61. i only get through the weeks by looking toward the weekends
62. i have absolutely no idea what i will be when i grow up
63. i would seriously get a tattoo of a medieval celtic dragon on the small of my back if not for my fear of disease
64. i am saving up money (and selling my bike) to get a new 2003 gt compe "so cal" bike in red
65. i write songs
66. i love terrifying ghost movies and romantic comedies and quirky movies
67. the summer after sixth grade i became obsessed with sandra bullock and watched "while you were sleeping" once every night
68. the summer before sixth grade i became obsessed with the books "anne of green gables"
69. i have a feeling wuthering heights by emily bronte has a secret that would give me the meaning of life but i just can't figure it out
70. jane eyre by charlotte bronte is the most compelling, romantic love story ever
71. i am an english major but i think a lot of all this liberal arts stuff is hokey and false truth
72. i think sociology is pointless
73. i was infatuated with mr. singleton junior year
74. i was infatuated with mr. gamez senior year
75. both those instances were those in which they treated me as if i was extra special and smart and cool--isn't that sad that i yearn for attention like that?
76. i notice people and anthropomorphize them a lot
77. i have an insanely good memory for most things
78. i sort of lack common sense
79. i need everything sorted out in order to understand it
80. i hate it when people say i'm organized or sensible
81. i am not organized or sensible
82. i am jealous of people who can take life risks without having heart attacks
83. i am sick of being controlled by my parents
84. i can't stand my family when i live with them
85. i love my family when i do not live with them
86. i have a hard time being friends with someone if i don't respect them
87. i hate it when people mistake my quietness for anything other than mere taciturnity (is that a word?)
88. i have never smoked weed though two people now have wanted to "smoke me out"
89. i love kids, and i want kids someday
90. i am really not interesting enough to write 100 things about myself
91. i want a puppy someday
92. i am insanely insecure
93. i hate it when people don't bless me when i sneeze
94. i cross myself at certain times even though i'm not catholic
95. i have always gotten too attached to inanimate objects
96. i always think the past was better than the present
97. i am a pessimist about people's actions
98. i am a realist about other things
99. i have eaten cat food before
100. once as a child i tried to feed a goat its own poop thinking it was a raisin
1. i love animals, esp. betta fish and cats
2. i love knowing facts about anything that no one else knows which is my only incentive for being pre-med
3. i have two alarm clocks, one digital and one silver old fashioned face clock and i must have both to wake up
4. i am obsessed with people and their comings and goings to the point of psychoticness
5. i am insanely moody
6. i drink sprite like water
7. i don't drink water
8. i have a fender american stratocaster in silver
9. i love fluffy pillows
10. i am traveling the thin line between happy and balanced and paranoid and psycho every day. last year i failed and this year i am succeeding
11. my birthday is on halloween
12. my favorite food is chipotle burritos
13. i get really attached to things that aren't humans
14. i get really attached to certain humans but i always need space
15. i hate being touched by most people
16. i get claustrophobic at strange reasons
17. i don't respect you if i don't think you are better than me at least in one area
18. i hate asian people who are from taiwan who say they consider themselves chinese
19. i hate the fact that asian people always hang out together
20. i hate the fact that i question whether i am a bad person for hating that fact
21. the only time i can't help smiling is when i am playing guitar in a band
22. i use powder clothes detergent
23. i like dark chocolate as opposed to milk chocolate
24. me and aaron's anniversary is on june 24
25. my body is a temple and my mind is a steel trap
26. i desperately want to start going to church in austin but my fleshly laziness is preventing me
27. i have an authentic waterproof military flashlight with filters and everything
28. i think scott speedman is insanely cute
29. i think elizabeth hurley is a shameless hussy
30. i think i have pretty feet
31. i still wear little girls underwear with designs on them
32. i have three pairs of converse allstars and one pair of converse skate shoes some doc martens and two pairs of flip flops
33. my room needs vacuuming desperately
34. i should be doing an english paper on wuthering heights right now
35. i have decided that analyzing my feelings just makes them worse therefore i have taken the method of humoring myself
36. i really want a tattoo
37. i hate regrets
38. i love the smell of cloves cigarettes
39. i miss the sarcastic cynical me that was at full power before freshman year
40. i sleep with a stuffed bear
41. i can be really ADD
42. i have people on my AIM buddy list that i have never talked to before in my life and do not know i exist
43. i truly think some of those people could be really great friends if i only knew them...scared yet? hahaha
44. i love the oc
45. i want to be a rock star
46. last night i tried to get aaron to hypnotize me into having larger breasts...vh1 documentary anyone?
47. dharma and greg is one of favorite shows
48. i think me and john mayer are soul mates
49. i am worried about losing my hair when i get old
50. i hate my arm hairs
51. the nails on the four fingers of my left hand are always cut short for guitar playing
52. i never wear mascara b/c i don't want to lose my eyelashes
53. i buy antibiotics for my fish
54. i come off as sullen when really my face just doesn't naturally smile
55. i feel masculine sometimes
56. i think i look better laid back than when i dress up
57. i think my sister is way prettier than me and sometimes i wish i was her
58. i am competitive about strange things
59. i love buying things like new deoderant, facewash, or shampoo
60. i love grocery shopping and doing laundry
61. i only get through the weeks by looking toward the weekends
62. i have absolutely no idea what i will be when i grow up
63. i would seriously get a tattoo of a medieval celtic dragon on the small of my back if not for my fear of disease
64. i am saving up money (and selling my bike) to get a new 2003 gt compe "so cal" bike in red
65. i write songs
66. i love terrifying ghost movies and romantic comedies and quirky movies
67. the summer after sixth grade i became obsessed with sandra bullock and watched "while you were sleeping" once every night
68. the summer before sixth grade i became obsessed with the books "anne of green gables"
69. i have a feeling wuthering heights by emily bronte has a secret that would give me the meaning of life but i just can't figure it out
70. jane eyre by charlotte bronte is the most compelling, romantic love story ever
71. i am an english major but i think a lot of all this liberal arts stuff is hokey and false truth
72. i think sociology is pointless
73. i was infatuated with mr. singleton junior year
74. i was infatuated with mr. gamez senior year
75. both those instances were those in which they treated me as if i was extra special and smart and cool--isn't that sad that i yearn for attention like that?
76. i notice people and anthropomorphize them a lot
77. i have an insanely good memory for most things
78. i sort of lack common sense
79. i need everything sorted out in order to understand it
80. i hate it when people say i'm organized or sensible
81. i am not organized or sensible
82. i am jealous of people who can take life risks without having heart attacks
83. i am sick of being controlled by my parents
84. i can't stand my family when i live with them
85. i love my family when i do not live with them
86. i have a hard time being friends with someone if i don't respect them
87. i hate it when people mistake my quietness for anything other than mere taciturnity (is that a word?)
88. i have never smoked weed though two people now have wanted to "smoke me out"
89. i love kids, and i want kids someday
90. i am really not interesting enough to write 100 things about myself
91. i want a puppy someday
92. i am insanely insecure
93. i hate it when people don't bless me when i sneeze
94. i cross myself at certain times even though i'm not catholic
95. i have always gotten too attached to inanimate objects
96. i always think the past was better than the present
97. i am a pessimist about people's actions
98. i am a realist about other things
99. i have eaten cat food before
100. once as a child i tried to feed a goat its own poop thinking it was a raisin
Wednesday, October 1, 2003
had another bio lab today, which just cemented my mental connection between crawfish (CRAWFISH dammit, not crayfish you pretentious science whores!!!) and sex...no, i'm not going insane, today we actually had to put a crawfish into a condom in order to measure water flow through the crawfish or something like that. poor crawfish i felt so sorry for it, i wanted to steal it at the end of lab and have a pet crawfish. i seriously thought about doing it, the only thing that stopped me was that i had a test soon after lab, and didn't have time, and also i rode my bike to class and could not see how i would balance a jar of water with a crawfish in it on the handlebars all the way home. but i even planned it out (before i thought of all these probs) i would get a big rock from the aquarium store for it and keep it in the thing i used to have She-ra (my female betta fish) in...because crawfish are amphibious. it would be so awesome. poor crawfish though, i could not save it--it even had already gotten one of its claws ripped off. i would've named it Killer. too bad...
anyways, bio test today, not so horrible as the organic chem test which i don't want to think about much less talk about.
horrid girl who sat next to me (at first) is getting karma sent back to her soon i hope. so i got there pretty early and tried to get an aisle seat. i got one, but then realized it didn't have a desk thingy so moved one seat over. this stupid girl came in and sat in the aisle seat, and when i told her about the lacking desk, she moved to the other side of me. which woulda been fine but then the prof was like, gotta skip seats--she just stayed where she was, didn't move an inch...didn't even look around for other possible seats. and i was determined not to move. but when the test started guess who the prof made move, and assumed i was some horrible cheating urchin...ME! and the girl didn't say a thing. didn't look up, didn't admit to her own stupidity to at least set things straight. hmm...oh well, when i left at 8 (which was exactly when the test ended) she was still there... KARMAPOLICE baby.
anyways, bio test today, not so horrible as the organic chem test which i don't want to think about much less talk about.
horrid girl who sat next to me (at first) is getting karma sent back to her soon i hope. so i got there pretty early and tried to get an aisle seat. i got one, but then realized it didn't have a desk thingy so moved one seat over. this stupid girl came in and sat in the aisle seat, and when i told her about the lacking desk, she moved to the other side of me. which woulda been fine but then the prof was like, gotta skip seats--she just stayed where she was, didn't move an inch...didn't even look around for other possible seats. and i was determined not to move. but when the test started guess who the prof made move, and assumed i was some horrible cheating urchin...ME! and the girl didn't say a thing. didn't look up, didn't admit to her own stupidity to at least set things straight. hmm...oh well, when i left at 8 (which was exactly when the test ended) she was still there... KARMAPOLICE baby.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
band practice was today.
it was transcendental...seriously awesome.
it had to be one of the best experiences of my life. i played lead guitar, katrina (turns out her name is not katarina, and she is not so intimidating) played rhythm, chris played bass, and marc played drums. this guy jeff, who will not be a part of the band, played keyboard, but he's in another band so he's taken.
so yeah it was one of those wierd times when i actually did not feel inhibited, or intimidated, at least not very much, and i got away from myself enough to have fun, and exhibit my skills (which aren't really that extensive) without them being overshadowed by my insecurity.
so it was really awesome. all those nerve-wracking days of "jamming" in jazz band with kids that were way better than me must have rubbed off or something, cause yeah, i didn't suck.
so yeah practice was at pete's house, and at first it was a little awkward, we all took turns to show a little of what we write, etc., but then when we got into it, Chris took the lead, and so we played around with two songs that he wrote, one was a reggae song that sounds sorta jack-johnson influenced, and another a totally fun pop punk song. we played for about an hour and a half straight, and it was pretty cool. i was just sitting on my amp, just enjoying it all, and i could not stop myself from just smiling for no apparent reason (which if you know me, doesn't happen almost at all) and just moving to the beat...
i had no idea how awesome just playing with people could be. i felt like a kid again, learning to ride a bike or play on a swing or something, and feeling the wind rushing through your hair for the first time.
after we played, then we sat down and had some pizza (pete bought way too much, almost a whole pizza per person...) but we will finish it next practice, thursday!! and even as we ate the pizza i had fun just talking, and hanging out.
when i got home, i topped the evening off by parallel parking perfectly by myself for the first time. it was an amazing day...
it was transcendental...seriously awesome.
it had to be one of the best experiences of my life. i played lead guitar, katrina (turns out her name is not katarina, and she is not so intimidating) played rhythm, chris played bass, and marc played drums. this guy jeff, who will not be a part of the band, played keyboard, but he's in another band so he's taken.
so yeah it was one of those wierd times when i actually did not feel inhibited, or intimidated, at least not very much, and i got away from myself enough to have fun, and exhibit my skills (which aren't really that extensive) without them being overshadowed by my insecurity.
so it was really awesome. all those nerve-wracking days of "jamming" in jazz band with kids that were way better than me must have rubbed off or something, cause yeah, i didn't suck.
so yeah practice was at pete's house, and at first it was a little awkward, we all took turns to show a little of what we write, etc., but then when we got into it, Chris took the lead, and so we played around with two songs that he wrote, one was a reggae song that sounds sorta jack-johnson influenced, and another a totally fun pop punk song. we played for about an hour and a half straight, and it was pretty cool. i was just sitting on my amp, just enjoying it all, and i could not stop myself from just smiling for no apparent reason (which if you know me, doesn't happen almost at all) and just moving to the beat...
i had no idea how awesome just playing with people could be. i felt like a kid again, learning to ride a bike or play on a swing or something, and feeling the wind rushing through your hair for the first time.
after we played, then we sat down and had some pizza (pete bought way too much, almost a whole pizza per person...) but we will finish it next practice, thursday!! and even as we ate the pizza i had fun just talking, and hanging out.
when i got home, i topped the evening off by parallel parking perfectly by myself for the first time. it was an amazing day...
Thursday, September 25, 2003
I'm sitting here listening to R.E.M., and all the old songs...
whats the frequency kenneth? bang and blame
Tonight I am using blogger purely as an excuse to talk--I am lonely...and I don't want to talk to just anyone. I don't want to talk to Aaron, I don't want to talk to any of these new people I have met since I was 14.
Really, the truth is, the only person I want to talk to is Elissa, but not even Elissa as she is now, I want to talk to the girl with braces who was always smiling and would take a school picture with her Bush/Greedy Fly shirt on.
I want to go back where I was permanently attached to my walkman tape player/radio, and me and matt would signal each other when there was a great song on the radio. we were friends, and we never talked--just sat next to each other and listened to music. thinking back, i wish i could be so free and uninhibited now.
i miss everything so much
whats the frequency kenneth? bang and blame
Tonight I am using blogger purely as an excuse to talk--I am lonely...and I don't want to talk to just anyone. I don't want to talk to Aaron, I don't want to talk to any of these new people I have met since I was 14.
Really, the truth is, the only person I want to talk to is Elissa, but not even Elissa as she is now, I want to talk to the girl with braces who was always smiling and would take a school picture with her Bush/Greedy Fly shirt on.
I want to go back where I was permanently attached to my walkman tape player/radio, and me and matt would signal each other when there was a great song on the radio. we were friends, and we never talked--just sat next to each other and listened to music. thinking back, i wish i could be so free and uninhibited now.
i miss everything so much
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
As you can see, I have a low attention span...haven't posted in weeks it seems.
Let's see, I've bought two new fish, one zebra danio (in memory of Danny-O) and a leopard long-finned danio. Their names are Eek (for the little one) and Sharky. Yes, Aaron named them and he has a strange fetish for Eekstravaganza the cartoon. Right now Sharky has exiled Eek into the corner of the tank under the filter (mean Sharky) but I am going to get some gothic castles and stuff to put in it so Eek has somewhere to hide.
Ok let's get this blog up to date.
Remember the thing with the band manager, etc.? Now we have a drummer, Marc, (who is also in another band, The Pheremones, which is wierd cause i feel like our band has to live up to them, and their name sounds so cool...) And just yesterday Pete (the manager) called and said he had this guy, Chris, who plays the bass and his friend Katarina who plays the guitar and sings. We are meeting on Monday for our first practice. Uber stressful, I say, not only that I am missing a BIO genetics review for it, but also the pressure to perform. I think I'm just gonna sit back and see what they want to do b/c i am worried--I hate "jamming" as they call it...it is just another excuse for musicians to show that they are way better than me. this is how it has been in the past (thanx for that h.s. jazz band). anyways, so i hope it goes well, marc seems cool already and i'm sure the other two are as well. at least the name Katarina sounds super exotic and cool...and not just a little intimidating.
so yes...summary: mixed feelings about the practice monday, hope for all the best, trying to be optimistic, which is hard when put into account my lack of social skills...want band to be cool, comfortable, and for all members to be equal...translation: i dont want to be known as "that ugly one in the back...who can't play" LOL ok can you believe my insecurity??? I will stop this right now.
anyways, yes, got the bmx bike. got it for $70 flat, which is really good seeing as it is a GT bike and those don't usually go for anything under $125. thinking about trading aaron for his and repainting it b/c he is so in love with it, he barely lets me put it one the rack by myself for fear i will scrape the paint or mess up the brakes or something.
today, i had biology lab which was enough to put me in a bad mood, b/c it just shows how heartless and selfish humans are. and it's hard to escape thinking the same way sometimes. like in the lab, we had to dissect crawfish (NOT crayfish, crawfish dammit...) and i have eaten crawfish, and they taste good, and i will probably eat them again. but it just seems different when you set them out and start cutting them up and looking at their insides. what's worse, were the ghost shrimp. my friend elissa has ghost shrimp in her aquarium, and so that was hard, seeing as i had already thought of them as pets that we should take care of and protect from harmful substances, etc. and here we are, looking at them in a petri dish with like, a millimeter of water in it, and sticking dye in the water, and basically watching them die. and it makes me even madder what people say when confronted with the meanness of their actions. ok yeah, so it's only a crawfish, its only tiny little ghost shrimp. Animals' importance does not just reside in thier size!!! If that were so, all those gymnastics girls in the Olympics are worth so much less than me...or Shaquille O'Neill... well you see what i mean. And where do we come off condoning animal testing just because "it's for the good of mankind." i wonder if we even have the right to assume that our well being is more important than...let's say, monkeys, or mice--and sacrifice their well being in order to further ours. i wonder if we do.
And i know there are vegetarians out there, elissa in particular, who are calling this hypocrisy as i especially enjoy a juicy side of hamburger...but to me, that's different. that's the food chain.
ok side note: I hate hate hate the smell of latex and right now, I reek of it. I wonder how I'll ever have safe sex without thinking of all the sheep eyes, earthworms, frogs, and now crawfish I have dissected.
Let's see, I've bought two new fish, one zebra danio (in memory of Danny-O) and a leopard long-finned danio. Their names are Eek (for the little one) and Sharky. Yes, Aaron named them and he has a strange fetish for Eekstravaganza the cartoon. Right now Sharky has exiled Eek into the corner of the tank under the filter (mean Sharky) but I am going to get some gothic castles and stuff to put in it so Eek has somewhere to hide.
Ok let's get this blog up to date.
Remember the thing with the band manager, etc.? Now we have a drummer, Marc, (who is also in another band, The Pheremones, which is wierd cause i feel like our band has to live up to them, and their name sounds so cool...) And just yesterday Pete (the manager) called and said he had this guy, Chris, who plays the bass and his friend Katarina who plays the guitar and sings. We are meeting on Monday for our first practice. Uber stressful, I say, not only that I am missing a BIO genetics review for it, but also the pressure to perform. I think I'm just gonna sit back and see what they want to do b/c i am worried--I hate "jamming" as they call it...it is just another excuse for musicians to show that they are way better than me. this is how it has been in the past (thanx for that h.s. jazz band). anyways, so i hope it goes well, marc seems cool already and i'm sure the other two are as well. at least the name Katarina sounds super exotic and cool...and not just a little intimidating.
so yes...summary: mixed feelings about the practice monday, hope for all the best, trying to be optimistic, which is hard when put into account my lack of social skills...want band to be cool, comfortable, and for all members to be equal...translation: i dont want to be known as "that ugly one in the back...who can't play" LOL ok can you believe my insecurity??? I will stop this right now.
anyways, yes, got the bmx bike. got it for $70 flat, which is really good seeing as it is a GT bike and those don't usually go for anything under $125. thinking about trading aaron for his and repainting it b/c he is so in love with it, he barely lets me put it one the rack by myself for fear i will scrape the paint or mess up the brakes or something.
today, i had biology lab which was enough to put me in a bad mood, b/c it just shows how heartless and selfish humans are. and it's hard to escape thinking the same way sometimes. like in the lab, we had to dissect crawfish (NOT crayfish, crawfish dammit...) and i have eaten crawfish, and they taste good, and i will probably eat them again. but it just seems different when you set them out and start cutting them up and looking at their insides. what's worse, were the ghost shrimp. my friend elissa has ghost shrimp in her aquarium, and so that was hard, seeing as i had already thought of them as pets that we should take care of and protect from harmful substances, etc. and here we are, looking at them in a petri dish with like, a millimeter of water in it, and sticking dye in the water, and basically watching them die. and it makes me even madder what people say when confronted with the meanness of their actions. ok yeah, so it's only a crawfish, its only tiny little ghost shrimp. Animals' importance does not just reside in thier size!!! If that were so, all those gymnastics girls in the Olympics are worth so much less than me...or Shaquille O'Neill... well you see what i mean. And where do we come off condoning animal testing just because "it's for the good of mankind." i wonder if we even have the right to assume that our well being is more important than...let's say, monkeys, or mice--and sacrifice their well being in order to further ours. i wonder if we do.
And i know there are vegetarians out there, elissa in particular, who are calling this hypocrisy as i especially enjoy a juicy side of hamburger...but to me, that's different. that's the food chain.
ok side note: I hate hate hate the smell of latex and right now, I reek of it. I wonder how I'll ever have safe sex without thinking of all the sheep eyes, earthworms, frogs, and now crawfish I have dissected.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
yipee! i am getting the bike tomorrow, b/c my parents said i could. at this time tomorrow (hopefully, if no one has bought it out from under me) i will be happily bmxing...or not. somehow, i don't think its the lack of an appropriate bike that is preventing me from that particular sport. but nevertheless, i will be riding the bike.
so today was relatively uneventful. rachel came over to do hw, etc., and then i walked her back to her dorm as far as the union, to put up some signs about the band. i say the band, but i mean the prospective band. yeah i met with peter (the future band manager) the other day (risking certain rape) and actually found out that he was actually someone i had met before. he worked at the a/v library in the UGL, so yeah that made me feel better and not like he was some psychopathic rapist. he seems interested in managing a band and i want to be in one, so i guess we're just waiting for other people to call. i put up like 7 signs up today, so hopefully more people will call.
he seems to like stuff like barenaked ladies and coldplay a lot, which is cool, but if i am going to be in a BAND and not just do singer/songwriter stuff, i want it to be relatively hardcore, i won't be satisfied unless it is.
now return to this timeframe, i walked rachel back as far as the union (by the way as we were walking out of Brackenridge, where i live, we debated on whether we should have returned for an umbrella, and decided not to, but it was raining a little, and so when we were walking down the stairs in front of Brackenridge, i slipped and hurt my poor little ass, and it was embarassing. but it was made up for, as me and rachel had tons of laughs talking on the way to the union about "what if the stapler that was in my messenger bag to staple up the signs with had stapled me in the butt when i fell...who would hydrogen peroxide my ass?") anyways, so after i walked rachel to the union, i walked home by myself, and what do you know, it started pouring.
and it made me think. i used to be the kind of person who didn't understand why people hated rain so, i still am that kind of person, to some extent. but not as much. now, it sorta feels bad to have little cold drops of water get all on your clothes and face, etc. but as i was walking, i kept trying to reclaim the kind of person i used to be. and it wasn't as hard as i might have thought it would be. its just instead of looking down, afraid of the water getting into my eyes, i looked across at all the surrounding trees and grass, and cement of the city, and that made everything better. yeah, i was being rained on, but so was everything else, and i am just a point on the map, just like any other tree or leaf, or anything. we as humans try so hard to set ourselves away from the natural world, which is ok, because it is natural for us to have the intellect that we do. what isnt so good, is to assume that there is a difference between nature and the world vs. our creations (cities, buildings, flourescent-lit convenience stores) because we are of nature, therefore, our creations are natural.
whatever. anyways, one last thing. there's this guy in my Sociology, Juvenile Delinquency class. he's a foreigner, from China. so the teacher today, since it's the anniversary of 9-11, asked us our thoughts about it, etc. which i personally think is a little corny because then everyone goes into these gushes of emotion about this and that just using this opportunity to have diarrhea of the mouth about how much they have changed, and how much meaning or fear they have found in life now. i guess there's nothing wrong with that, but i prefer to keep those things to myself in the interest of not coming off to seem overly emotional and sometimes i prefer other people to do the same. but who cares, what i think is not imp. in this case. except for the following. ok so this chinese guy starts talking, and all of a sudden starts saying, "oh i hate how America tries to impose their democracy on all other countries. the reason democracy works in America is because America is a young country, only 200 years old. but china has had a history of 5,000 years, and we have had kings, and emperors, and besides, why try to force democracy onto people when they don't want freedom? people don't want freedom. they always want and need someone to tell them what to do next." argh argh argh it makes me so mad!!!!! for one thing, if he doesn't think America is good, then why did he come here to go to college? and oh, yeah, communism has worked so well, causing such wealth in china...oh wait, no it hasn't. it has caused humanity to regress there to the extent where people can't think for themselves. it has caused bad standards of living, and inhumane acts to be committed without any way of retaliation or stopping these acts. and what is all this about "people need someone to tell them what to do?" ok maybe pussy little communist chinese boys (who have probably only lived after three baby girls before him were abandoned in the streets of china because of the communist incentive of more money for whoever has only one child, and chinese people's unfair preference for fathead boys instead of girls) need someone to direct their every move, but Americans don't. we do very well on our own, with the help of God, and we do not need anyone to "lead" us like the communist government leads their people (into degradation and immorality and godlessness). yeah do you need someone to lead you to your next move communist? go back to china, and open a space for someone to immigrate here who will appreciate the goodness that is America.
thats all i got to say about that, Taiwan til death...
so today was relatively uneventful. rachel came over to do hw, etc., and then i walked her back to her dorm as far as the union, to put up some signs about the band. i say the band, but i mean the prospective band. yeah i met with peter (the future band manager) the other day (risking certain rape) and actually found out that he was actually someone i had met before. he worked at the a/v library in the UGL, so yeah that made me feel better and not like he was some psychopathic rapist. he seems interested in managing a band and i want to be in one, so i guess we're just waiting for other people to call. i put up like 7 signs up today, so hopefully more people will call.
he seems to like stuff like barenaked ladies and coldplay a lot, which is cool, but if i am going to be in a BAND and not just do singer/songwriter stuff, i want it to be relatively hardcore, i won't be satisfied unless it is.
now return to this timeframe, i walked rachel back as far as the union (by the way as we were walking out of Brackenridge, where i live, we debated on whether we should have returned for an umbrella, and decided not to, but it was raining a little, and so when we were walking down the stairs in front of Brackenridge, i slipped and hurt my poor little ass, and it was embarassing. but it was made up for, as me and rachel had tons of laughs talking on the way to the union about "what if the stapler that was in my messenger bag to staple up the signs with had stapled me in the butt when i fell...who would hydrogen peroxide my ass?") anyways, so after i walked rachel to the union, i walked home by myself, and what do you know, it started pouring.
and it made me think. i used to be the kind of person who didn't understand why people hated rain so, i still am that kind of person, to some extent. but not as much. now, it sorta feels bad to have little cold drops of water get all on your clothes and face, etc. but as i was walking, i kept trying to reclaim the kind of person i used to be. and it wasn't as hard as i might have thought it would be. its just instead of looking down, afraid of the water getting into my eyes, i looked across at all the surrounding trees and grass, and cement of the city, and that made everything better. yeah, i was being rained on, but so was everything else, and i am just a point on the map, just like any other tree or leaf, or anything. we as humans try so hard to set ourselves away from the natural world, which is ok, because it is natural for us to have the intellect that we do. what isnt so good, is to assume that there is a difference between nature and the world vs. our creations (cities, buildings, flourescent-lit convenience stores) because we are of nature, therefore, our creations are natural.
whatever. anyways, one last thing. there's this guy in my Sociology, Juvenile Delinquency class. he's a foreigner, from China. so the teacher today, since it's the anniversary of 9-11, asked us our thoughts about it, etc. which i personally think is a little corny because then everyone goes into these gushes of emotion about this and that just using this opportunity to have diarrhea of the mouth about how much they have changed, and how much meaning or fear they have found in life now. i guess there's nothing wrong with that, but i prefer to keep those things to myself in the interest of not coming off to seem overly emotional and sometimes i prefer other people to do the same. but who cares, what i think is not imp. in this case. except for the following. ok so this chinese guy starts talking, and all of a sudden starts saying, "oh i hate how America tries to impose their democracy on all other countries. the reason democracy works in America is because America is a young country, only 200 years old. but china has had a history of 5,000 years, and we have had kings, and emperors, and besides, why try to force democracy onto people when they don't want freedom? people don't want freedom. they always want and need someone to tell them what to do next." argh argh argh it makes me so mad!!!!! for one thing, if he doesn't think America is good, then why did he come here to go to college? and oh, yeah, communism has worked so well, causing such wealth in china...oh wait, no it hasn't. it has caused humanity to regress there to the extent where people can't think for themselves. it has caused bad standards of living, and inhumane acts to be committed without any way of retaliation or stopping these acts. and what is all this about "people need someone to tell them what to do?" ok maybe pussy little communist chinese boys (who have probably only lived after three baby girls before him were abandoned in the streets of china because of the communist incentive of more money for whoever has only one child, and chinese people's unfair preference for fathead boys instead of girls) need someone to direct their every move, but Americans don't. we do very well on our own, with the help of God, and we do not need anyone to "lead" us like the communist government leads their people (into degradation and immorality and godlessness). yeah do you need someone to lead you to your next move communist? go back to china, and open a space for someone to immigrate here who will appreciate the goodness that is America.
thats all i got to say about that, Taiwan til death...
Sunday, September 7, 2003
i am a fish killer.
i accidentally killed my two fish danio and stormy.
today went on the surface pretty much as i planned. did laundry (while doing so i had to oust some guy doug's clothes out of the washing maching b/c he left them in there after they were done and there were no washers left...sorry doug), cleaned out the fish tank (which was when the fateful accident occurred) and went to the pawn shop to look at the bike. it still is about $75. i want it so bad but i dont want to buy it if it is so freaking exp.
also started on the hell of memorizing functional groups for organic chemistry...
and found some ad at the Union put up by some guy Peter who wants to manage a rock band:
"Okay, so let's Rock!! I'm looking to manage a band and need the pieces to this puzzle in my mind. I have some songs, I need the rest...a vocalist, bassist, drummer, and a guitar player and whoever else may call. I want to make us the next big thing and I can do it, call me! The more influences the better. Call."
hmm dont know if i believe him but at least i will be doing something, instead of sitting around doing chem homework and feeling panicky whenever someone talks about a class that is actually putting them on the road to their dreams.
so sick of all this crap, would rather be a street performing bum than a doctor...
i accidentally killed my two fish danio and stormy.
today went on the surface pretty much as i planned. did laundry (while doing so i had to oust some guy doug's clothes out of the washing maching b/c he left them in there after they were done and there were no washers left...sorry doug), cleaned out the fish tank (which was when the fateful accident occurred) and went to the pawn shop to look at the bike. it still is about $75. i want it so bad but i dont want to buy it if it is so freaking exp.
also started on the hell of memorizing functional groups for organic chemistry...
and found some ad at the Union put up by some guy Peter who wants to manage a rock band:
"Okay, so let's Rock!! I'm looking to manage a band and need the pieces to this puzzle in my mind. I have some songs, I need the rest...a vocalist, bassist, drummer, and a guitar player and whoever else may call. I want to make us the next big thing and I can do it, call me! The more influences the better. Call."
hmm dont know if i believe him but at least i will be doing something, instead of sitting around doing chem homework and feeling panicky whenever someone talks about a class that is actually putting them on the road to their dreams.
so sick of all this crap, would rather be a street performing bum than a doctor...
today, saturday night. went to zilker park today which is connected to barton springs, which is a river where people can swim. it was awesome because first we went to long john silver's to pay our lunch with coupons, and talk bathroom talk at the table with aaron and his friend jimmy, and then zilker park was a totally spontaneous event.
and since it was spontaneous we didn't bring swimsuits or anything so we couldn't swim, but the water looked so nice and cold and clear, with small waterfalls made by the rocks in the creek. so not being able to swim didn't stop us from taking off our shoes and socks and wading around in the water. it was the best feeling ever, and not even the tiny little shard-rocks at the bottom cutting our feet up ruined it. i cannot describe how tempted i was to just go swimming fully dressed. ok but what did stop us (for a while at least) was this snake swimming in the water. this was funny because first, aaron saw a stick and told us it was a snake, and i got scared and got out of the water, and jimmy thought this was funny. five minutes later aaron was like, "there's a snake, seriously, its right over there" and both me and jimmy didn't believe him. well, turns out he was right. it was this skinny snake about a foot and three inches long that swam with its head sticking out of the water, it was so gross. so yeah, i stayed out of the water for a while until my fear of the squiggly snake was overcome by wanting to feel the cold creek water again...but it was so cool, the minnows come really close to your feet and aren't scared at all.
then after we got out of the river we walked around the park and explored and stuff and ran into these five high school boys who were diving into the river from a rope swing. it was crazy--where would that ever happen in concrete, flat, dry houston?? it was like living in a small town, where no one is too self conscious to talk to a stranger. anyways, at that moment, watching those boys jumping into the deep, green, hazy river, i decided that i definitely want to live in austin forever. another random pretty moment was when we were under this bridge. on the bridge were cars, of course, but we were under it so we couldn't see the cars, they couldn't ruin the moment. we stood under that bridge, it was all sandy under there and there was this collapsed concrete thing with these rusted metal connectors all sticking out of it, and so it was urban, but when you looked up, at the concrete bottom of the bridge that was over us, you could see all thousands of light shards reflected off the water from the river, just dancing and changing. it was so pretty it hurt. yeah, it was like a mix between some urban ghetto setting off a rancid video mixed with...the movie "a river runs through it."
hmm yeah so that was my day. pretty nice, right?
tomorrow i am doing hw, and going to a pawn shop in the afternoon to see about a bike. i have been trying to get one of those little trick bikes b/c they are so small and cool and easy to handle. yeah i got permission from my mom to spend $50...so i gotta haggle.
and since it was spontaneous we didn't bring swimsuits or anything so we couldn't swim, but the water looked so nice and cold and clear, with small waterfalls made by the rocks in the creek. so not being able to swim didn't stop us from taking off our shoes and socks and wading around in the water. it was the best feeling ever, and not even the tiny little shard-rocks at the bottom cutting our feet up ruined it. i cannot describe how tempted i was to just go swimming fully dressed. ok but what did stop us (for a while at least) was this snake swimming in the water. this was funny because first, aaron saw a stick and told us it was a snake, and i got scared and got out of the water, and jimmy thought this was funny. five minutes later aaron was like, "there's a snake, seriously, its right over there" and both me and jimmy didn't believe him. well, turns out he was right. it was this skinny snake about a foot and three inches long that swam with its head sticking out of the water, it was so gross. so yeah, i stayed out of the water for a while until my fear of the squiggly snake was overcome by wanting to feel the cold creek water again...but it was so cool, the minnows come really close to your feet and aren't scared at all.
then after we got out of the river we walked around the park and explored and stuff and ran into these five high school boys who were diving into the river from a rope swing. it was crazy--where would that ever happen in concrete, flat, dry houston?? it was like living in a small town, where no one is too self conscious to talk to a stranger. anyways, at that moment, watching those boys jumping into the deep, green, hazy river, i decided that i definitely want to live in austin forever. another random pretty moment was when we were under this bridge. on the bridge were cars, of course, but we were under it so we couldn't see the cars, they couldn't ruin the moment. we stood under that bridge, it was all sandy under there and there was this collapsed concrete thing with these rusted metal connectors all sticking out of it, and so it was urban, but when you looked up, at the concrete bottom of the bridge that was over us, you could see all thousands of light shards reflected off the water from the river, just dancing and changing. it was so pretty it hurt. yeah, it was like a mix between some urban ghetto setting off a rancid video mixed with...the movie "a river runs through it."
hmm yeah so that was my day. pretty nice, right?
tomorrow i am doing hw, and going to a pawn shop in the afternoon to see about a bike. i have been trying to get one of those little trick bikes b/c they are so small and cool and easy to handle. yeah i got permission from my mom to spend $50...so i gotta haggle.
Thursday, September 4, 2003
hmm classes are over for the day : ) : ) : (are those smiley faces or frowny faces---are you left handed or right handed?)
anyways, the final straight guy in boy meets boy looks awesome. nice curly wild hair, likes to read, looks like the literary type, and wears wire rimmed glasses. --hmm---
its wierd, its like i want to live 10,000 lives at once, because i admire everyone, perhaps just for thier ability to stick with one personality and grow with it. which is apparently something i am absolutely unable to do. i admire the classy, sophisticated girls who would be that guy's type, who would be in the sunny well lit kitchen making breakfast on white shiny plates while he reads, wearing his wire rimmed glasses and with his hair all sticking up in curls. these same girls are probably the subject of Dave Matthews' song Crush or John Mayer's City Love. Then, i also admire the ultra alternative, cool because they don't try girls who always look great even though they only wear t shirts and jeans. these are probably who tim armstrong would find awesome...and that is not even it. it is not only girls that i admire--just to say, john mayer is the cleverest person ever. yeah yeah, ok its easy to see him as some teenybopper loverboy, who plays girls' feelings so they will fall in love with him, and i know to an extent it is true. at least the second part. but on another level, i have never encountered such amazing imagery. & its not just imagery. his words paint all the pictures i've had in my head--the dark city lit up by a thousand lights, the dirty neon-lit street of new york that somehow seems to be holding mystery within all the grime and sidewalk, a road trip where you actually are able to appreciate every second of it, knowing it is one of the greatest times of your life, instead of wasting it away on shallow, minute by minute useless fun. i hate that, when i do something great, and every minute i am telling myself--you better remember & enjoy this b/c you'll look back on it as one of the best times of your life. but the truth is, im not having that much fun at the time, its only when i get home that i realize, damn it happened again and when i wake up tomorrow i will have repainted it in such a way that i will believe i had a great time.
damn i started out trying to imitate stream of consciousness, jenn1 you know why, but i think i have only acheived randomness.
anyways, the final straight guy in boy meets boy looks awesome. nice curly wild hair, likes to read, looks like the literary type, and wears wire rimmed glasses. --hmm---
its wierd, its like i want to live 10,000 lives at once, because i admire everyone, perhaps just for thier ability to stick with one personality and grow with it. which is apparently something i am absolutely unable to do. i admire the classy, sophisticated girls who would be that guy's type, who would be in the sunny well lit kitchen making breakfast on white shiny plates while he reads, wearing his wire rimmed glasses and with his hair all sticking up in curls. these same girls are probably the subject of Dave Matthews' song Crush or John Mayer's City Love. Then, i also admire the ultra alternative, cool because they don't try girls who always look great even though they only wear t shirts and jeans. these are probably who tim armstrong would find awesome...and that is not even it. it is not only girls that i admire--just to say, john mayer is the cleverest person ever. yeah yeah, ok its easy to see him as some teenybopper loverboy, who plays girls' feelings so they will fall in love with him, and i know to an extent it is true. at least the second part. but on another level, i have never encountered such amazing imagery. & its not just imagery. his words paint all the pictures i've had in my head--the dark city lit up by a thousand lights, the dirty neon-lit street of new york that somehow seems to be holding mystery within all the grime and sidewalk, a road trip where you actually are able to appreciate every second of it, knowing it is one of the greatest times of your life, instead of wasting it away on shallow, minute by minute useless fun. i hate that, when i do something great, and every minute i am telling myself--you better remember & enjoy this b/c you'll look back on it as one of the best times of your life. but the truth is, im not having that much fun at the time, its only when i get home that i realize, damn it happened again and when i wake up tomorrow i will have repainted it in such a way that i will believe i had a great time.
damn i started out trying to imitate stream of consciousness, jenn1 you know why, but i think i have only acheived randomness.
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