"would your eyes like midnight fireflies

light up the trenches where my heart lies

until I can see again

to find my way back again



I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe

no matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it

even when i have to push just to see how far you'll go

you won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go"

--sarah mclachlan

(to aaron)

back in houston--drove back late monday. it was pretty in a painful way, with just shadows of trees at the sides of the road.

i can't wait to go back to austin. it's wierd, i feel like i am a better person there. maybe because i am free to be myself without having to justify the past, and all the ways and personality traits i have left behind. it just seems like people who know you well or think they do, who should know you well, will go on thinking of you and treating you the same way they always have, go on thinking you are just the same. and that stops you from getting anywhere. from growing...

Just finished my organic final. One day, they will dissect my brain and find that it was never wired to understand organic, and then they will see a thin, crooked, makeshift wire, and they will be amazed that I was ever able to comprehend lewis dot structures, much less inductive effects and carbocation stability.

Anyways, done with finals--now i can shower, and eat. ugh forget it all this science has sucked all the creativity out of me.

today i went to lunch with christina at the mall! she needed to buy a present, and i needed to exchange the lava lamp i got from elissa for my birthday.

on the way to her car, i was hit on by a homeless guy. "has anyone ever told you you're beautiful? this better not be the first time." Sadly, i am strangely flattered.

and then ten minutes later, some homeless guy offered to buy me and christina buicks if we were single. "hello ladies. are you single? i'll buy you a buick. i just want to know if you're single" (sidenote...why a buick? why not a mercedes, or even better, a soft top bronco? it's not going to happen either way, so why a buick? this is an example of a man who is so used to being down on his luck he only allows himself to hope for buicks in his dreams...)

anyways, so yeah those were the events of today.

this past weekend i saw last samurai!! which is one of the best movies i've seen this year. it was so awesome.

i also saw love actually which sorta paled in comparison. it was pretty good except it was sorta overly cheesy. however, hugh grant dancing and the little boy sam's romance were the high points. i probably said "oh he's so cute" 20 times during that movie in reference to the kid...

anyways, yeah i need to go study...wish me luck.

there is a paradise that can be found

a better life to bring us round

and all we really need to do

is see the world like lovers do



i want to take it easy, take it slow

to catch a fire and let it go

i want to give myself to you

so we can live like lovers do



i need to feel

i need to feel that way



i can hear you thinking what i feel

i know that what we've got is real

and all we need to get us through

is just to live like lovers do



--heather nova

just had a conversation with my mom

i'm so sick of feeling guilty for being independent, and wanting independence and wanting to do things my way. and i don't mean doing things my way as bad things, i mean just decisions. and truly, i have given in about things way more than other kids would.

for example, all this premed stuff, i have always been against going to med school. i mean seriously aren't there enough asians getting forced into med school???

from the earliest i can remember, i was being told that i'm going to be a doctor. well just wait up--i mean don't you think that's a little young to be planning my entire life out for me? they had all their hopes set on it, and frankly i don't really respect their creativity. talk about being bound to societal parameters.

anyways, i don't know whether i was just born rebellious or what, but as i grew up i became bound and determined not to be a fucking doctor. maybe...probably, it was the fact that my parents were so adamant about it, but another part of it is that i don't really lean towards math/science (and i must cut in to say here, most asians are...) i don't want to make a big deal about this asian thing, but it's like my parents brought me up to be a typical asian kid:

future: doctor

gpa: 4.0

instrument: piano

mother's occupation: math teacher

father's occupation: scientist

i mean, how typical can you get??

and maybe i'm just good at assimilating or something, but i didn't turn out to be the typical asian kid. proof: i got a perfect score on the verbal part of the SAT, and a 670 on the math part. obviously i am good at english more than science and math, why can't they just deal with that?

and yes, typically english majors might have a harder time finding a job, but where did doing what you love go?

anyways, i grew up with these two insanely strong desires that were totally at odds with each other: to please my parents, and to live my life. and believe me, that first one is hard, and very nearly impossible. Even now as i do certain things, say certain things, even stand a certain way, i can hear one or both of their voices telling me why what i am doing is wrong. i mean, yeah, manners are good, but a lot of the time it is not that rigid. a lot of the time it depends where you are, who you are talking to, and i am always too fucking insecure to act on my instincts in situations, i have too many voices telling me what to do, and i am not equipped to follow all of them, so i end up just doing nothing. but that is another story of social ineptness...

people aren't built to have to please someone else with every minute of their lives. i understand not being selfish and making someone that is important to you happy, but i am not willing to base my whole life on that.

in writing this, i know that that is only normal. i am only doing what is normal, breaking away. but i am just so sick of feeling guilty for it. nothing i do is good enough for them unless they planned and orchestrated it.

anyways, conclusion: i am 20 years old. if i want to stay in austin for the summer, i can. and i will. and i will do whatever else i choose too, because it is my life, and it's about time i started to live it.

it's been a crazy few days...

last night was the night shoot for the hex rally in that cheer up movie, so i was up all night sitting on the west mall holding a burnt orange candle and playing with lighters that we made insanely dangerous and blowtorch-like...and freezing.

don't think i coulda made it without the added body warmth from aaron.

but rachel was fine--15 minutes in, there was some random guy offering her his jacket which looked like it was made to keep an emaciated anorexic warm in the peaks of the himalayas. lol rachel is charismatic.

anyways, so today i am all wierded out, lack of sleep does that to me, and not just me, apparently as right now rachel's away message says



sleeping.....

Sometimes life seems very surreal.



yeah so today was spent...4am-8:20am asleep; 9-10 organic chem class; 10-2:40 asleep; then class, and now dinner (early)