sometimes i wish i could reach past tendon, bone, and marrow and fine tune whatever the hell is wrong with me.

i am sick of trying to be a better person than i am, cause in the end, it's just putting a thin gloss of lacquer over it all. why should i keep trying to make myself feel okay about something, and smile even while it bothers me, and apologize when i lose that precarious hold over myself, and show something beneath that lacquer when obviously that's just who i am? it's something i can't help.

but the thing is, i hate some things about me, and if i could fully change those things, i would. i'm just saying its damned hard to just keep treading water like i've been doing. trying to stay on top of myself and make sure my deeper feelings never show, never get out to interfere with others' lives/experiences.



anyways this is a fucking boring blog...i'll think of something better for next time