Went to Chipotle tonight with Rachel, walked around, and ended up watching crap movies on cable in my room till about midnight...all in all a pretty cool night.

Also, decided last minute to enter a short story contest, so we'll see how that goes.



new things: (mostly acquired over spring break)

1. contacts--so i don't have to walk around blind in order to satisfy my vanity anymore...vain bitch right? (not as vulgar as it sounds, most of you out there get the joke...ok i will explain it. it all started with the travesty--in the "on campus" section, it was like, "on campus, you will check yourself out as you walk past the windows of the UGL and someone inside studying will think, 'god, what a vain bitch'"--and it's so true. I do it all the time. I'm not saying I'm proud of it...and I know you do it too.)

2. new computer!!! my parents are coming up sunday to bring it up--I am so excited. I've already decided the first two songs I will download off the internet. First, Alison Kraus's "Baby now that I've found you" and Maroon 5's "This Love." Again, not proud of these choices exactly, but they are what they are. And to make up for it, the third and fourth things I will download are the Get Up Kids' "Ann Arbor" and "Mass Pike."

3. bathing suit



And that's basically it, pretty good haul right?



"I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative to-night."

Name the book and you will have my respect forever.



In any case, I am, but it is already 2:45 am, so I will have to console myself in trying to find an old episode of the x-files somewhere on tv instead.



goodnight

"...one hand on the trigger of a telephone

wondering when the call comes

will you say it's alright, you got your heart right?

maybe I'll sleep inside my coat

and wait on your porch until you come back home alright



we share the sadness, split screen sadness



'all you need is love' is a lie

cause we had a love but we still said goodbye



and it stings when it's nobody's fault

cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name

it's only the air you took

and the breath you left..."



-john mayer

I've gotta say, Oprah is getting a little big for her britches...it's all well and good to put "Oprah Book Club" stickers on unknown modern writers like Wally Lamb who write sentimental, introspective novels, but it's gone a bit far when it extends to Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude. Does literature need her approval in order to be better?



(yeah i've been saving that up all spring break)



Anyways, here I am at the library, checking in so you know I'm alive. I don't have a computer in my room right now, b/c I bought a new one (or rather, my parents bought me a new one) and it's getting sent.



over and out

sometimes i wish i could reach past tendon, bone, and marrow and fine tune whatever the hell is wrong with me.

i am sick of trying to be a better person than i am, cause in the end, it's just putting a thin gloss of lacquer over it all. why should i keep trying to make myself feel okay about something, and smile even while it bothers me, and apologize when i lose that precarious hold over myself, and show something beneath that lacquer when obviously that's just who i am? it's something i can't help.

but the thing is, i hate some things about me, and if i could fully change those things, i would. i'm just saying its damned hard to just keep treading water like i've been doing. trying to stay on top of myself and make sure my deeper feelings never show, never get out to interfere with others' lives/experiences.



anyways this is a fucking boring blog...i'll think of something better for next time

today sucks...

i feel off-center, like i can't do anything right



school is driving me batty and i think maybe i should just turn mute for a few months. it would be easier not having to say anything to anyone so as not to have to think about whether what i've just said is out of place.



except for aaron, i always feel myself when i am around him (also on this list is elissa, cause she knows how retarded and critical i can be already)





today i biked over to the communications building with aaron to see if the film short that i was in turned out ok, and it did. the story was: i am in a tracksuit and ghetto 80's sunglasses. there is a random tv table in a parking lot next to a tree and a dumpster, with flowers and a bottle of sake. i walk up to the table, take a shot of the sake, stand up, and throw up in slow motion...part of his bodily function series i guess (the last one featured jimmy picking his nose disgustingly with corn syrup as fake boogers)--the throw up was clam chowder.

anyways, then we went to burger king where i gave a deaf person a dollar, one of the only good things i have done today, and then i came home and i am writing this.



last night we went to taco cabana and it was cool too. anywhere i can bike feels cool. yay! i love my bike.

up in the morning, and out to school

mother says there'll be no work next year

qualifications was the golden rule

are now just pieces of paper



just because you're better than me

doesnt mean i'm lazy

just because you're going forwards

doesnt mean i'm going backwards



well if you look the part well then you get the job

last years trousers and your old school shoes

truth is son its a buyers market

they can afford to pick and choose



just because your better than me

doesnt mean im lazy

just because i dress like this

doesnt mean im a communist



well the factories are closin and the armys full

i dont know what im going to do

but ive come to see in the land of the free

there's only room for a chosen few



just because you're better than me

doesnt mean i'm lazy

just because your going forwards

doesnt mean im going backwards



well at 21 your at top of the scrap heap

but 16 you were top of your class

well i dropped outa high school in campbell calif.

got a guitar and i never looked back



just because your better than me

doesnt mean im lazy

just because i dress like this

doesnt mean i'm a communist



-lars frederickson and the bastards