just had a conversation with my mom

i'm so sick of feeling guilty for being independent, and wanting independence and wanting to do things my way. and i don't mean doing things my way as bad things, i mean just decisions. and truly, i have given in about things way more than other kids would.

for example, all this premed stuff, i have always been against going to med school. i mean seriously aren't there enough asians getting forced into med school???

from the earliest i can remember, i was being told that i'm going to be a doctor. well just wait up--i mean don't you think that's a little young to be planning my entire life out for me? they had all their hopes set on it, and frankly i don't really respect their creativity. talk about being bound to societal parameters.

anyways, i don't know whether i was just born rebellious or what, but as i grew up i became bound and determined not to be a fucking doctor. maybe...probably, it was the fact that my parents were so adamant about it, but another part of it is that i don't really lean towards math/science (and i must cut in to say here, most asians are...) i don't want to make a big deal about this asian thing, but it's like my parents brought me up to be a typical asian kid:

future: doctor

gpa: 4.0

instrument: piano

mother's occupation: math teacher

father's occupation: scientist

i mean, how typical can you get??

and maybe i'm just good at assimilating or something, but i didn't turn out to be the typical asian kid. proof: i got a perfect score on the verbal part of the SAT, and a 670 on the math part. obviously i am good at english more than science and math, why can't they just deal with that?

and yes, typically english majors might have a harder time finding a job, but where did doing what you love go?

anyways, i grew up with these two insanely strong desires that were totally at odds with each other: to please my parents, and to live my life. and believe me, that first one is hard, and very nearly impossible. Even now as i do certain things, say certain things, even stand a certain way, i can hear one or both of their voices telling me why what i am doing is wrong. i mean, yeah, manners are good, but a lot of the time it is not that rigid. a lot of the time it depends where you are, who you are talking to, and i am always too fucking insecure to act on my instincts in situations, i have too many voices telling me what to do, and i am not equipped to follow all of them, so i end up just doing nothing. but that is another story of social ineptness...

people aren't built to have to please someone else with every minute of their lives. i understand not being selfish and making someone that is important to you happy, but i am not willing to base my whole life on that.

in writing this, i know that that is only normal. i am only doing what is normal, breaking away. but i am just so sick of feeling guilty for it. nothing i do is good enough for them unless they planned and orchestrated it.

anyways, conclusion: i am 20 years old. if i want to stay in austin for the summer, i can. and i will. and i will do whatever else i choose too, because it is my life, and it's about time i started to live it.